Cherries On Top

Dear Jude Law,

I am writing to you further to reports in today’s newspapers, regarding your “friendship” with the young model Lily Cole.  Apparently the cherubic 20-year-old has been spotted emerging from your Maida Vale bachelor pad in a “bare-legged” and “dishevelled” condition, the day after you wined and dined her in London’s famous Theatreland.

I would like it if you did not wine and dine Lily Cole. Not only are you knocking on for twice her age, but she seems to be quite nice and wholesome. And with her ginger ringlets and her doll face, she looks about 12.

You, on the other hand, are an ageing lothario with an alleged penchant for wife-swapping. And let’s not forget Nannygate. I acknowledge that in bygone times, you were AlphaHunk. However, you don’t appear to be a very attractive person anymore. This isn’t down to the ravages of time so much - after all, it takes more than a receding hairline to obliterate a groundswell of female affection. It is more to do with the fact that, in interviews, you often come across as moody, irritable and unpleasant. Not in a brooding Mr Darcy way, I should add; more a petulant Veruca Salt.

If I enter jude law and rude into Google, 84,200 entries pop up. The briefest of glimpses reveals gems such as:

BED-HOPPING Jude Law has pulled Rod Stewart’s man-eater daughter Kimberly. (This was just a few weeks ago; as you may recall, reports were accompanied by photographs of face-slobber and crotch-grabbing)

Jude Law’s been arrested for skinning a photographer’s knee and scratching his cheek.

Jude Law admits hot nanny-pampering action.

Not forgetting:

Who is Jude Law F**king Today? (This was commentary on your alleged fling with Courtney Love’s yoga instructor.)

I will admit, ”with sincere regret” - to quote the press release you put out after the tabloids caught you porking your children’s home help - that around the time Cold Mountain came out, I was one of the many women who had perfected the art of swooning before your finely chiselled features whilst simultaneously stuffing popcorn into my face.

However, times have changed and if truth be told, it is difficult to swoon wholeheartedly before a person who is now customarily described - in this day and age! - as a  legendary swordsman. Yuck.

Lily Cole is clever as well as beautiful: I believe that she is soon to study at Cambridge. She is too good for you. What’s wrong with your usual skanks?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,

 Queen of Puddings.

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